Tuesday, August 5, 2008

Late Night Ranting

I have a lot of homework to do, yet here I am. Blogging. Oh well. I think maybe only three people read this anyway, but it gives me an excuse to write. :)

I feel kind of down, though I don't really have a reason to be. AIM starts this Saturday. Forty-five or so young people will be coming to train to become better disciples of Jesus, and then sent out around the world in eight months to work under a missionary. I love AIM, and it's weird to think I'm one of the people that help train them.

I feel out of sorts lately. I think life just gets more and more complicated sometimes. The longer I'm alive the more I see drama between people, including myself. All the questions like who I'm going to marry and what I'm going to do with the rest of my life and if I'll be a good dad come surging into mind every once in a while. Life gets hard. People hurt each other, and sin creeps in to all of us. I hate it all, and sometimes I just want to go home. Sometimes I just get overwhelmed with life.

I'm constantly reminded that this is when "let go and let God" becomes less like a cliche and more like reality. That sounds nice and everything, but what does it mean? It means I don't have the answer to most of my questions about life, but God loves me and He's there for me anyway.

I once met an adamant atheist on a plane who tried to grill me on every scientific question about the Bible. We finally got to dinosaurs, and he got a little heated. I stopped, smiled, shrugged my shoulders and told him I didn't have the answers. But God does. He calmed down a little, and then quite passionately told me that all the other Christians he talked to said they had all the answers. I plainly told him they were liars, because only God has those. He's revealed to us what we need to know, and part of faith is accepting that that's enough. It gives me comfort to know I'm not God, and that He has all the answers.


It's so hard to be called a minister when you are constantly faced with your own selfishness and laziness. There were times in Russia I tried to find a way out of going to the homeless ministry I started. I had been selfish and lazy that week, and didn't feel worthy to lead an example to other people. And no matter how hard I try to put my sinful part to death, it always seems to boil over anyway.

But I love this, too, because it makes the cross mean something to me. Every once in a while I get just delusional enough to think I'm some kind of big deal. But I'm not, and when this hits me hard in the chest the only response I can have is to kneel very low to the cross and appeal to God's loving sacrifice He made through His Son. I love that place, because it's the only place that life makes sense.

It's there that I realize that I do in fact hurt God, but the good news is that everybody does, and God loves us anyway. Through Christ God makes jerks like me good enough, and that gives me enough determination to get up with even more fervor and keep going... because I love Him.

4 comments:

Mommysmart said...

Joshua,

I followed your comment from Trey's blog. I am a member at Dimmitt Church of Christ so I recognized your picture. I just wanted you to know that I enjoyed reading your blog and that I am thankful for role with AIM.

Take care!
Monica

Joshua Tucker said...

Monica, thanks for your comment. Too bad I didn't get to meet you and your family. Last year I worked in Dimmitt Church of Christ all year, but I'm not sure I'll be working there this year. I hope you enjoy yourself there, and I appreciate your evident devotion to Christ.

alisha dawn said...

Good blog. Sometimes we feel like we are the only ones struggling...so this was encouraging, thanks.
God is pretty amazing huh?!
p.s. Nice picture!

TREY MORGAN said...

Josh ... I know how you feel. We all feel that way sometimes. I'd love to have that "conquer the world" attitude everyday, but it doesn't always happen. I love your ministry. Keep it up!