Thursday, October 2, 2008


I'm preaching today.

At the Bible School I go to ( we have preaching labs where we practice speaking. I enjoy it, but I always get so nervous beforehand. I don't think nervous thoughts, but my gut starts turning and I can't stop shaking my leg. Oh well.

I've really enjoyed this term of school. It's hard being inside one room all day long Monday through Friday, but I do enjoy the privilege of studying God's Word every day. Still, sometimes it's easy for me to "leave school at school". I love Bible school, but sometimes I don't take it home into my everyday actions. Why do we do that? It's stupid, whatever the reason.

Sometimes I feel like I struggle more with following Jesus being a minister or Bible student than I would just working at a normal job. That's probably not true, but it feels that way. I can be impatient or just plain mean sometimes. And then I stop and think, "Did my 8 hours of Bible do nothing to me today?"

It's so easy to have a theoretical faith, I think.

I hate this more than anything else in my spiritual life. I can teach great lessons, pray heartfelt prayers, and be so passionate about living for Jesus... but still act like a jerk. I know God's working on me, but sometimes it feels like I'm regressing or something. How I wish godliness were more than a word I studied or taught, that it was a characteristic of who I am as a person.

I think, though, this is a good place to be because it makes me humble. If only I would stay here a little while and stop getting big-headed my life might just turn out alright. I love this state, because here I don't pray because I should but because I need to. I need God so very desperately, but life distracts me and I get to focusing on myself a little bit. I praise God for down days that teach me I'm not God but He is.


Jennie said...

is always really good for me to read what you write. it reminds me of so much what i i am feeling at those exact moments. As I struggle through my own dedication, fully and completely, to God. I need to pray. I don't know to many thoughts to sum up this late at night, but thank you for yours.

Carrie said...

"Sometimes I feel like I struggle more with following Jesus being a minister or Bible student than I would just working at a normal job."

I feel the exact opposite most of the time. I feel like if I were to join AIM that it would bring me closer to Jesus/God. If I were having to teach other about God I would have to become closer with Him. I want to be closer with God but I don't think that's the right way for me to go about it. I can't depend on others to bring me closer I'm the one that needs to put in the effort.

You're a wonderful person Josh and I'm so glad that moving down here brought you and all the "Aimers" to my life.

Amanda said...

Hey, how did the sermon go? Did you get it recorded? I would really like to hear it if you could send it my way. I miss hearing your voice. :)

Anyway... I pray that God will continue to mold you, especially in those ways that you know you need to be molded. It's a good starting place with realizing what God needs to change in you... you know, rather than fight it.

I need to do some re-evaluation of myself, as well.

Praying for you, Joshwa!



You sound like Paul (and the rest of us) when he said, "I know what is right and I know what is wrong, and I still do what is wrong..."

It's frustrating that our sinful nature has so much control.

Love the blog!

doug young said...

I feel your pain. It doesn't make sense, but there are things pertaining to growth in the material realm that don't make sense to me either. So why should I be surprised at the confusing nature of spiritual growth.

God is way beyond us, and who knows what He is trying to teach us, but He has His purposes, and I am learning to trust that one day He will make it all clear to me.

Chris Johnson said...

The hard thing is living life in a way that reflects our faith. Good post.

Anthony said...

I know exactly how you feel. I do the same. But what I do is rely on the things I've studied or whatever I've done. I act like a jerk and later analyze why I did it. I find that I don't rely on Jesus. It's so basic to faith but it's just something that happens naturally. It can be very frustrating when you don't see progress.

Paul said...

Hey dude,

It was good visiting with you this past weekend. I remember those days in preaching lab feeling like I was going to throw-up. You know what, after 10 years of speaking at least twice a week, that feeling doesn't go away. To speak a message from God is serious and overwhelming stuff.

"Other seeds fell on good soil and produced grain, some a hundredfold, some sixty, some thirty." Matt. 13:8

Keep tilling the ground and allowing the seed to be planted in you and give it time. After years you will look back on that experience and say, "Ah, that is what God was trying to tell me."

Keep writing on the blog! It helps you digest the stuff you are learning and it feeds others at the same time.