The Gospel Story

.
I was recently browsing through a Christian quotes site when, as I was looking through the many categories... "gospel" wasn't on the list. I found this to be very odd. There was humility, religion, contentment, faith and many others, but "gospel" wasn't worthy of its own category. It reminded me that it's so easy to make this religion about anything but the saving gospel of Christ.

Almost every day I find myself wondering, "What is Christianity all about?" I mean, if we were to boil this Jesus thing down to what it is at it's core, what would that be? If someone had never heard of a God, a man named Jesus, or a book called the Bible what could I tell them in a few sentences that life was all about?

I think it's the gospel.

But what is this gospel and what does it have to do with me? I heard this gospel many times and told a thousand different ways growing up. I knew that sin separated me from God, and that the cross somehow fixes that problem. I knew I had to believe on that and give my life to God and be baptized, and somehow I would be forgiven. But it wasn't until I found myself buried in the gospel story in a very personal way that it all started making sense.

I think that if Christianity could be boiled down to one sentence this would be it: I sinned and made myself trash before God... but through Jesus God makes me royalty.

But I had to be brought low for that to make sense.

I remember a time that I read through the Bible searching for new concepts as well as more verses to reinforce my existent beliefs. I was very passionate about them, and I remember being very excited about showing others they were wrong and "correcting" them. My lens through which I viewed Scripture was a theological one. I wanted to know Scripture, but I didn't necessarily want to know Jesus. However, my spiritual life didn't last long on that kind of diet. After about six months I stopped reading, praying, or thinking about God altogether.

And then life went downhill for me. I felt like a jerk in many ways. I remember being humiliated a couple of times, and I remember generally feeling stupid. I sinned... a lot. I don't think I fell away on accident. I think God was teaching me that I couldn't do this thing on my own and that I needed Him... badly.

Here's what I'm getting at: I think every person has to come to the point in their lives when they kneel before the cross in tears... deeply understanding that they have absolutely nothing to offer God. When I came to God and prayed that day, I felt so ashamed of who I had become. I didn't want to barter with God. I didn't want to be more passionate or be more religious. I wanted to be saved. And that's the key.

We all need saving, but I think it takes some of us longer than others to deeply understand that in a very personal way. I don't regret living a life of sin and selfishness because it helped me not to just theologically believe the gospel, but to feel deep down that I needed God and there was no other alternative.

But here's the thing: This lesson didn't stop for me when I became a Christian. I think spiritual maturity is more and more deeply understanding that I am nothing without God, and my identity and approval must come from Christ alone. My life so far has been a process of thinking I can do this life on my own only to fall down... hard. And it's at those moments that Jesus makes sense to me. It's then I have to choose to believe that He loves me anyway, and that He can really make me good enough.

God makes me good enough, even though I'm not good enough.

That's it in a nutshell. This is the essence, the key, the core, the meaning of life. Nothing else matters after this. It's through this lens that I must view God, life, the Bible, and everyone else. It's so hard to do, and when I sin it's because I fail at this. And I do that a lot. But I cannot move away from the cross... ever. Christ saved me at baptism, but that lesson is learned over and over through every meaningful life experience.

Praying the Beatitudes

qq

I prayed this prayer very often in Russia. It helped me through a time when I could only see life through a negative lens. This helped remind me why I am here.

Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of Heaven.
Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.
Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth.
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled.
Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy.
Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God.
Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called sons of God.
Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of Heaven.

Today may I not find fulfillment in bread, but on the words of my King. May I strive for these qualities in every decision and opportunity that comes before me today. May my attitude not be of trust in myself, but instead being spiritually bankrupt, requiring everything from the Lord. I want to live today living in the fact that without God I am wretched and worthless. God Almighty alone makes me what I am.

May my spirit be mournful for all the times I break my mighty Father's heart. May I be gentle and lowly of heart, a man of few words. May I be slow to speech, not because I have nothing to say but because every word from my mouth is saturated in humility and wisdom. May I be confident, strong, and courageous yet willing to submit myself in every situation.

May I search and plead for goodness in my life. Any opportunity to serve and be spent, may it be seized without hesitation. May I search Your Word in my heart and continued study to seek Your Character to imitate. May righteousness alone sustain me.

May I speak and act as one who is going to be judged by the law that gives freedom. Because mercy triumphs over judgment in me, may my speech and actions be flowing with mercy in every encounter.

My heart. May it be one that seeks a smile on Your Face. In every decision may I wonder if I made Jehovah smile or not. In every motivation and thought may I seek the good of others and the Kingdom of Christ, seeking every opportunity with the the uttermost fierceness and determination.

May I fight for peace today: unity between brothers, peace with every man and God. May peace be one of my chief desires. May I courageously be an agent of peace... especially when it comes at a heavy price.

May my goodness be so extreme that it offends those who are not. Not because I am arrogant or self-reliant, but because like Daniel my sole object of affection is the Lord Almighty. May the criticism and slander of people be ineffective on my resolution to live for Christ whatever.

Lord, today may I seek You with all my mind, body, and soul. I am in existence as result of Your Unfailing Love. I truly hope that fact affects every decision I make today. Thank You, God of all the Earth.

Today is not my own. It is Yours.

Identity

Update on Life

I guess I haven't written in a long time now. Life's seemed pretty hectic the last few months, and though I kept meaning to update this, I just never did. It's hard to believe the AIMers will be leaving in a couple of weeks. Time has just flown by.

I was reading Amanda Creek's blog and she was talking about how in Russia we seemed to be there forever. Our pace of life was slow there. But now being back in the States she says time just seems to fly by. I can definitely relate to that. I have this constant feeling like I need to be more productive, because I'm just not doing enough.

But I'm learning to be content with that. Seeing the story of Jesus feeding of the five thousand has really helped me. The apostles couldn't feed that many people looking only with their eyes. The numbers just didn't add up. But a little boy gives all he has and Jesus uses it to do wonders. I've just seen that though I can't do everything I'd like, I can still feel good about what I'm giving. And weirdly enough it makes me want to do more, but because I know I'm not perfect. Jesus asks not for perfection but for effort based on faith.



Thoughts

I'm not connected to a Church here as most people would see it. On Sundays I go to a 'service' depending on my situation that day, but honestly it's not that important to me. It's weird because I know this whole Christianity thing doesn't happen in a box or in my private life. It happens in community. But I have that community. I live with three guys who love God like all get out. I'm going to a Bible school and work with young missionaries who want to be disciples of Jesus and make more disciples of Jesus. I love Christ's Kingdom.

I was at a Church a few weeks ago and I overheard an interesting conversation where people were talking about someone who used to be in the youth group there years ago. Someone asked, "Does he go to Church?". I found that to be an odd question, personally. What they were saying without knowing it was that this guy's faithfulness to God could be shown in whether he was still going to an assembly every week or not. I remember when I fell away from God for about six months, I still went to "Church" Sunday morning, evening, and Wednesday evening. I was still "involved", but I was living for me.

My identity had changed from being a Christ-follower to a Church member without even knowing it. As a Church member I was doing great because I did my duty: I showed up. But as a Christ-follower Jesus had become foreign to me. I know longer lived by His teachings nor walked with faith in Him. From the way I see things I think many in Churches today, good people, have made their identity in being Church members instead of Jesus-followers. I'll be honest... this scares me.

It scares me because I don't think Jesus wanted the apostles to go make religious people who did certain religious things. I think He wanted them to make disciples of Himself who would change their complete outlook on life from the inside out based on His death, burial, and resurrection. But today it's just way too easy to have all the trappings of being religious without being truly transformed by the gospel of Jesus. I've been there. I feel like in some ways I'm still there.

If my identity is being a Church member, all I have to do is the religious things my Church does and asks of me. But a Christ-follower requires a lot more: my heart, sacrifice, love, and complete devotion to a God I cannot see. This is much more difficult, but it's the only thing that makes sense.

Now I'm not saying all people who go to Church are like this. I know many ardent disciples of Jesus completely immersed in serving within an awesome local congregation. But I don't think I'm being too bold by saying this is not the norm within the evangelical world. I feel so burdened walking into buildings called "Churches" and seeing and meeting people (good people, as I said before) whose discipleship is based on what happens once a week in that building. It's hard to know what to do or say to them. I think God loves them and that He brings people to Himself whether I do anything or not, yet there's this part of me that sees that something needs to be done.

I try not to focus on this for very long. It's always easier for me to point out the problems of others without looking inward. What I want to do with these thoughts is to be inspired even further to help others get closer to Jesus as I'm trying to do the same. And so with every encounter I really pray I focus on being Jesus and sharing Jesus. But I pray for the Church and myself, that we can learn to bring our focus away from buildings, ceremonies, and traditions and on to Christ.

Solitude

m
m



Lately I've had a real struggle to find alone time with God. Solitude is something I learned to adore in Russia, and not making it a priority has really taken a toll on me spiritually. I'm reading Celebration of Discipline right now and it's really reminded me of how important being alone in thought can be.

I guess the reason I haven't made it a priority is that I'm afraid of becoming a hermit again. I want to be focused on Christ, yet loving all people I see. Those should go hand in hand, but it seems to be a strenuous battle to keep both for me.

I find myself missing Russia often, or at least the healthy balance I had while there. My life slowed down so much there in that every morning I had considerable amounts of time to read, sit in silence, drink coffee, and pray. I basically had a mini-Sabbath every morning, and I miss it dearly. I miss it like I do a person. It's more difficult here since I have to wake up so early, so I'm trying to figure out how to have "Sabbath" time but also give myself to people and responsibilities.

Alone time lets me slow down... and think. Life seems to get hazy so very quickly, but being alone can remove me from that haze and allow me to look at my life clearly. I can stop and remember that life isn't about me. My problems don't seem so big anymore, and God reveals to me how I've been selfish, arrogant, and lazy.

I love reading the Bible and spiritual books during quiet time, because they give me a healthy lens to look at my life through. And I miss it. I miss being able to pour over a single verse or parable for an hour just for fun. I'm getting a lot of knowledge in God's Word, but missing it's wondrous beauty... and it breaks my heart.

Silence lets me look at life reverently, because it's so easy to become robotic in my interactions and obligations. I think I have had an irreverence for life lately, and I'm ashamed. It's so refreshing to sit and appreciate the goodness of life that God has given me. Most of the time I shove life down my throat just "pressing on" and getting through it. It takes great effort to slow down and simplistically enjoy God's many gifts and expressions of love.

God really is seen and experienced in the quiet, not just in the emotionally thrilling experiences of life. I miss solitude. I miss Jesus. I'm tired of praying "on the go" and living a fast food spiritual life. I want to live it deeply and lovingly and courageously... and I pray God gives me strength and wisdom to fight for it.

the lovely church

m
m




Sorry for not posting recently, but the California trip really threw me out of whack in getting back into things.

Everyone in AIM talks about how difficult it is coming back to the States from the mission field, and all of it's true by the way. I've dealt with a lot of personal issues coming back in Russia, but I've had the blessing of being encouraged by others going through the same struggles. I think I've been surprised of how many people have had violent reactions coming back to the States: angry or discontentment with the Church or American culture, even leaving the Church altogether.

That makes me sad.

Russia was so refreshing for me. Issues were non-existent, and people, for the most part, had no negative stigma attached to the Church. Every Christian there decided to follow Christ on their own, which in result produces a Church full of genuine and faith-filled Christians.

But many Christians in the States, I've noticed, are timid to even admit they are Christians because of the violent reaction many people have to our religion. A lot of non-Christians have been burned by people claiming Christ, and so they connect us to those bad experiences. And I share the frustrations with many Christians to so many people who have given Christ a bad name (myself included).

But I've noticed that many times the worst criticizers of the Church... are Christians. It's so discouraging to sit with a group of brothers and sisters and hear them slam the "Church", as though it were some organization.

But we are the Church. So when we complain about the "Church", we complain about ourselves. I do think that if we view the Church in America through a spiritual lens that there are many glaring sicknesses and problems within it. But those problems are within me, because I am the Church.

It's been weird coming back into what I call the coffeehouse culture. By that I mean especially my generation that loves to sit around and talk through and discuss things, mostly from a third-person point of view. But a lot of times it just turns into complaining, and I have to admit I've fallen into that many times.

I know the Church has lots of problems, because it's full of people. But there's enough people in the world that hate the Church... we don't need it coming from within. I have to admit I've been the world's worst at this unloving kind of judgmental slander.

But no matter how many problems seem to be overwhelming us I have to keep believing... the Church is good.

I believe that. Christ died for the Church, and we all came to Christ because of the glaring truth that we were dirty and worthless, and only in Christ could that change. But we all carry our baggage from our past life with us. Transformation into Christ's image doesn't happen quickly, it's a process. I pray I'm patient with the pride, hypocrisy, hatred, and selfishness that comes from the hearts of others as Christ is being patient with my own battles with those same things that take over my life so terribly often.

I love the Church, the body of Christ. We can't say we love Jesus then slam the people He died for. It's so easy to sit on the sidelines and be angry with what's going on on the field, but it's so much harder to pick up the ball and do the hard work.

I've been convicted lately that just because the Church in America is different, that doesn't mean it's not good. I pray God forgives me for my arrogance in ever questioning that. This is where I have to walk by faith that He knows what He's doing with His body. I have to constantly be reminded and comforted by the fact that He is God, and I'm not. I'm so glad that He has more patience with us than what we give each one another, and that His forgiveness is so full and deep that it can transform us from the inside out... giving us the strength to see the best and not the worst in each other.

"Bear with each other and forgive whatever complaints you have against each other, forgiving each other as Christ forgave you. And above all put on love, which is the bond of perfection." Colossians 3:13-14

Family

Tonight we had the second small group meeting in my home. Some I don't know very well, but I really feel like I love them all a lot. Pam just came back from France like a month ago, and Kaylin, her teammate there who is married and going to Tech, was there tonight too. Becky and Rachel just moved from Tulsa. Geoff just moved from Estonia a month ago and is going through SIBI. Then there's Gary and I who wanted to start it.

We met at 7 and had sushi and hung out for a while. Then we talked about how we were all doing spiritually and went through Mark 1 together. I really liked it, I think because it felt so much like what we did in Russia. I was used to looking at the Bible and referencing our everyday lives and ways God was teaching us to apply the things we were reading. I absolutely love that. This group has so far been a huge blessing for me, just in being able to vocalize my own journey and listen to others' journey with Christ as well. I missed that.

We have lots of ideas about the group, but I think I'll be content no matter what. I just like having people over, and if I just get to know some people a little better then I am incredibly stoked about that. It was neat for me as different people were speaking just noticing how our journeys with Christ were so very different, but yet we were all seeking the same things. I love the diversity within the body of Christ. God seems to be all about reconciling things, and I don't see how any of us would be friends outside of Christ.

Right now I'm taking Spiritual Disciplines and I've just been reminded how extremely vital everyday devotions are to remaining focused in Christ. Whether it's saying a prayer, listening to a sermon, reading a poster on a wall, or reading God's Word I think we all need to be reminded of our purpose in life daily. Of course prayer should be a lifestyle, but also I think most of us just have Spiritual A.D.D. It's just so easy to get focused on stuff and forget about Him. I want to learn to trust God in even tiny little things. Maybe that sounds impractical, but it's in the Bible. I want to make Colossians 3:17 a reality, truly doing all things under the authority and reign of Christ.


I feel excited after tonight. It's just so neat to have a family again, a group. Having a bunch of close friends is cool, but I especially love when we can all meet together and be a real family.

Isn't that what Church is anyway?

Sometimes I envy Jesus.

Reading through the gospels He just surprises me. For the longest time I've wondered how he could hang out with tax collectors and sinners and still be Jesus. There's no way they were on their best behavior around him. Tax collectors were thought of as a plague, basically. Through taxes the Roman Empire drew their funds with which to keep nations under their feet and conquer new ones. They weren't just looked down upon for taking more than they were supposed to, they were looked on as thieves and garbage. The Jews were nationalistic people, tired of being slaves. They hated tax collectors because they had to pay them so that the Romans could keep them in their empire. I can't imagine how that must have been. I think I would have hated them, too.

How did He do it? How could He hang out with gross people and still remain holy? How did He love them when their minds were so full of evil?

The other day I was sitting in Sugar Brown's and there was some guy sitting by himself. I was watching him because all he did for like two hours was flip through some comic book. I looked at him in passing mostly, and then I suddenly really took notice of him. What was he doing in a coffee shop? I wondered about his family and his upbringing. Mostly I wondered what I would say if I walked up and started talking to him. Did he even want to talk to someone? A lot of people like their privacy, especially Americans. Who knows, but it's not talking to that guy that shows my immaturity in faith I think.

It's so hard for me to be in a group of people being sarcastic and living by completely worldly lifestyles, seeing life through a dirty lens I think. How do I interact with non-Christians and not constantly say things like "Yeah, sorry man. I don't do that kind of stuff". People just think I'm self-righteous, but really I just want to live life like God made it... and I want to love. Jesus made us different, but how do we act and react around people who aren't yet? I thank God that He's started wafting into flame a love within me not just for His precepts, but for the people He has made. I'm just starting to learn what this is all about, but I know I should have talked to that guy.

Being in a foreign country it's really easy to grow into the habit of becoming accustomed to people. They're everywhere. But Jesus noticed them. And then he did something about it. As He said, it's so easy to love people who love us back. Everyone does that. But someone who is really growing in the love of Christ will meet people unlike himself and love them even if they never accept Christ. When he was at the cross, none of the people He taught, and He taught thousands, were there to help. But still He loved them and cared for them.

It's so easy to rationalize my way out of love. But I pray that God continually be working within me to teach me how to take leaps of faith in noticing people it's easy not to.

freaking out?

I survived my first Sunday as area church leader in Dimmitt yesterday. Actually, I really enjoyed it.

Right now I'm struggling with a lot of things, especially church in America. It's been really easy for me to hop on the "slam the church" bandwagon again. But God never lets me sit in that negativity for for very long. Amber lovingly told me that methods don't matter, it's people. I knew that, but I needed the reminder. It's just hard for me to be back in big churches where people don't sit next to each other and we don't look each other in the eye.

It's been this huge thing for me to be able to pay attention to sermons. I slip back into old habit of zoning out, but I'm trying to really listen. The thing is, I love sermons. I listen every morning to Matt Chandler (The Village Podcast) and it's so encouraging. I think I'm just addicted to conversational sermons, and slideshows drive me crazy. I just have to remind myself that I'm in a different culture. Even if I don't like it, it's how they do things. The things that are said are still good and encouraging, I'm just having a hard time adjusting.

Small groups with the AIMers start on Tuesday, and I'm really excited about the small group Gary and I started in my house on Wednesdays. Last week there was just 5 of us but it really felt like a family. I miss that. I miss Sergei and Ira and Alosha and others I was close to in Russia. I think God knew that, and He gave me an awesome email from Sergei this morning. Before I left Russia I wrote him a letter kind of like Paul wrote Timothy, and it made me so happy to hear he had read it many times. It really gave me the energy to press on today.

I feel like I'm kind of in a rut right now. I really need to spend some time doing some soul-searching and re-examining exactly what I'm living for. Whenever I don't do that God usually does it for me, and that usually involves a lot of pain and tears. So I'm kind of hoping I can do it myself this time.

I praise God for His wonderful love He's showed to us. It's so easy to get focused on all kinds of other things, but then I feel the soft whisper of God saying with a smile, "Life isn't about you". And then I stop... look up, and remember. Life is more important than my silly problems and saying that "God is in control" isn't some silly cliche. It's personal, and I love it. My prayer as I go to bed tonight is that we don't get so caught up in the thickness of life, and that we can constantly reflect on Christ, from whom all life flows.

Hello Hello

Alright so I haven't posted a blog since I was in Russia in April I think. Crazy. But I haven't had internet access since then either, so I guess I have an excuse. I decided to switch to blogger since it looked cooler, and I got tired of xanga.

I have a little more motivation to post now that these posts count as journal entries for my spiritual disciplines class. For those who don't know, I'm currently going through SIBI and working as an AIM assistant. It's been pretty sweet so far, though incredibly draining. I'm only taking 2 classes right now and I'm still freaking out anyway. Somehow I don't feel quite as lame if I call it "reverse culture shock", so I guess that excuse will work for now.

There's just enough guys to have 1 of them in every area church, so they've made me an area church leader at Dimmitt. I'm kind of uneasy about it right now... for some reason any amount of responsibility is making me feel really intimidated. I'm sure it will go away once I get used to things here, but it's just weird until I feel like I have a direction. I have some pretty cool AIMers, and I'm honestly looking forward to growing together with them.

I've gone through a lot over the last few months, and my journey with Christ has been hectic and awesome at the same time (as usual). During April and May I traveled with Johnathan and Amber to 13 different cities raising support and visiting family. Then I spent 2 months in Florida finishing up my AIM time where I got to meet some really cool people. I also got engaged there! That's been coming for a long while, though.

It's nice being around so many focused Christians now. It's like a double-edged sword, though. In one sense it's amazing because I have people around me who spur me on to live out the love of Christ by default of the fact that they're doing it themselves. But I also feel pretty intimidated right now being around so many mature Christians and sort of just feeling like a little kid. I've just moved here, and I'm kind of trying to figure out what I'm doing. In Russia I was somehow able to just look stupid and be ok with it, but I'm having more of a hard time with that here. I've been fighting back the desire to retreat into a shell and just stay home all the time.

I don't have a Friday class this term, which means tomorrow I get to sleep in for the first time in a while. I find myself missing what I did in Russia. I don't miss the country, but I miss the people. I guess it's just weird being in a place with so many Christians. It's easy to feel unneeded. When I feel unneeded it's really difficult to push myself to do anything. Dumb. But God's blessed me with some great friendships already, and I'm learning to be excited about the here and now... and that's amazing.